Low-key Holiday

I started to say, "We're having a quiet holiday this year," but that wouldn't really be true. James has the sander going in the upstairs hall, since I decided I'd like to get that done in the next week. One space at a time, and we'll get the house finished.

With all the home improvement work we've been doing, neither James nor I was in the mood to add to the commotion by bringing out all the Christmas decorations this year. The kids are spending Christmas with their other parents, and we don't care about putting up a tree. We told the kids, at some point, that they could get things down from the attic, but no one cared enough to do the work required.

We did have a tree and carols and lights and stockings and presents at the grandparents' last weekend. James and I will spend time with my calabash sister and her family tomorrow, and then two of my brothers and I and our families will get together in Alexandria on Monday. We have my four for the afternoon, and get Kyle for most of a week starting Monday. There's a great deal less stress when we're not fussy about the exact day we celebrate.

And gift-giving is easy this year. We've picked up little things for the nieces and nephews, and I'll be finishing the theme gifts this weekend. We told the kids in October that we wouldn't be doing gifts this year. We have all we need, and they have more than they need, as evidenced by the continuing clutter throughout the house and their rooms. They are receiving gifts from family and friends, but we are giving them each $50 to be used to do good in the world. This is a trend that my family has been advancing over the last several years. Last year my little sister, Becky, and her family even bowed out of the traditional theme-gift exchange, "giving" us each a chicken (through Heifer International) instead. I almost went that route, with bees and trees instead of chickens, since James and I follow a strict vegetarian diet. But then I remembered the crystals Miriam saved from our chandelier when we changed the lighting in the dining room. I'll put up a picture of my creations---after the gift exchange on Monday! (We're doing the bees & trees also.)

Mele Kalikimaka!

Holidays with Extended Family

I am enjoying a fabulous, hilarious weekend with James's family. We had our early Christas celebration yesterday, and four-year-old Jessica was wild with delight as she got to spend all day with her cousins. Our "big kids" are wonderful with younger children, and enjoy Jess as much as she enjoys them! When I first saw Jess after she'd been playing with the cousins for a while, she had a big grin and hug for her Aunt Mary. I told her I brought her cousins for Christmas, and asked, "Was that a good present for you?"
"Yes! But I have more presents for you!" She was our Christmas elf this year, being able to recognize a few of the names to deliver presents to everyone, and her dad helped with the ones she couldn't read.

I love to watch kids at this stage, when they delight so much in giving to others and watching for the reactions to the gifts they've picked out for people they love.

And Jessica crawled into my lap several times through the afternoon to give me a hug and tell me how much she really liked her new skirt I made for her, and purple is her favorite color. Our little ballerina was a "hoot!", as her uncle James says, twirling in circles to make her skirt flare, and the announcing, "That makes me really dizzy!".

As I sit here, laughing and enjoying the family times, it's hard to believe that I didn't know these people three years ago!

I'm back to looking at the value of getting to know a prospective partner's family before making a lifetime commitment. I believe my relationship with James is, at least in part, so easy because we grew up in similar families. Both our families share lots of laughter, expect excellence, respect and consideration for others, and enjoy a good bit of smart-alec teasing, all full of love. I have encouraged my children to get to know their intend's family before making a public announcement of the engagement. And if you don't enjoy being with the other members of the family, think hard about whether or not this is a good match. It may seem old-fashioned, or even ridiculous when young, but it seems to me that we become more like our parents as we get older, and it really helps to know that you like your love's parents, and he/she likes yours, before that morning you wake up, look in the mirror, and think, "Egad, I've become my mother!"

Looking back at my first marriage, we didn't meet each other's families until just before the wedding, and didn't necessarily enjoy them. I do tremendously appreciate my former in-laws, and respect them for living what they believe, but I do not hold the same views/interpretations of many things, or want to emulate their family relationships. And, somehow, I think it was easier to see those discrepancies, that later became issues in my first marriage, looking at his family, rather than trying to see through the hormones of young love.

Just a funny train of thought as I enjoy a holiday weekend, listening to my children laugh and build relationships with each other and their grandparents.

Mele Kalikimaka!

Accomplishments on the learning-to-blog track

We're heading out to visit James's parents this weekend, for an early Christmas trip. This is the year that all the kids spend most of the holiday break in their other households, so this is our opportunity to get them down to C'burg.

Before we headed out I wanted to learn a bit more about how to use & work with my blog. I'm trying to figure out how to make syndication work so that my loyal readers can receive posts via email. At the moment, I can't figure out how to install a chiclet (aka button) for subscription, but I think that this will work for now: email new posts

For my next trick. . .I'll cheat and ask James how to install the chiclet, and a button to email me.

Stay tuned!

Aloha!

Fears and Truths

I had the opportunity to attend a teleconference put on by Divapreneur Leesa Barnes last Tuesday evening. I filled more than a page of notes, but what really sticks out for me is an exercise we did in identifying some fears that are holding us back from achieving success in our businesses, and then rewriting the script that our minds play back to us.

I did the exercise first during the call, and then in more depth in my journal yesterday. The interesting piece that I want to share with you was the sense, as I wrote the responses to the fears, that the response was more true than the fear.

As an example, one fear I identified during the call was that building my business to be "highly successful" will complicate my life and interfere with the most important relationships in my life. (And, with my business focused on relationship coaching, that seems quite hypocritical!)

Rewritten to Truth:
The most important and positive relationships in my life are enhanced by my excitement and the energy that builds as my success grows. Another benefit of my success is the wonderful new relationships that are blossoming with my success. My success is also an excellent example for my children (and others) of living into my potential and shining my light in the world.

I invite you to consider your own goals and dreams. What's holding you back? Identify, write down and then rewrite your fears. I wrote my truth in the present tense for a very specific reason-I keep reading that the subconscious mind has no sense of time. Say what you want to have happen as though it already is happening, and your mind will work to make the external match the internal. (Also a reason why fears hold you back.) (Who was it who coined the acronym FEAR=False Evidence Appearing Real?)

Feel free to post your own fear & truth pairs, or even just the truth.

Aloha!

PS-Leesa's goal is to help 10,000 women become their own boss by 2010. If you are a woman looking for a business coach to help you get started, check out her website. )(And I won't mind if you tell her I sent you. I don't get anything from it, but I'd like her to know that I appreciate her Ryze network!) Leesa's website

Aha! This makes sense!

I've been reading Steve Pavlina's blog archives again. This time it's the meaning of life series. I did some journaling yesterday, but never made it onto the computer to post an entry. I'll get back to that in a later post. Right now I want to explore my reaction to the following:

“I experienced this when I shifted my career last year from full-time software publishing to full-time writing and speaking. Before I committed to the transition, I had only a fuzzy notion of what the new career would be like. No matter how much planning I did, it was still fuzzy — there were simply too many variables I couldn’t predict. I was out of my element. As I began to transition, almost every week I had to rethink my plans — long-term planning was impossible because I was constantly learning new things that would corrupt my old plans. I had to live one day at a time through much of it. But after a few months, I was able to get my bearings and could see the road ahead of me very clearly. Then I was able to again set long-term goals with confidence.” Steve's Blog

This also fits with the beginnings of a response to Leesa Barnes's teleconference Tuesday evening. . .(gee, I really to have some catching up to do!)

One of my needs is for security. I can blitz on effort when I'm in "survival mode", but that is very adrenalin-based, and I consider it a major contributor to the challenges I had getting over the Lyme disease I fought 2002-2003. Such effort also feels very fear-based.

I'm not knocking what I accomplished in that mode: providing most of the financial support for four children, meeting many or most of their emotional needs, keeping our household running semi-smoothly, teaching middle school full-time, and completing a major in Spanish along with a Master's degree, and getting to know myself better. . .I look back at that time now with a sense of accomplishment. But it wasn't a very balanced time of my life, and I often felt like I was working from a sense of desperation.

Life now is much more enjoyable! I share the parenting responsibilities with a wonderful man, but even more importantly, we are building our life together in joy and laughter. The kids are thriving, and we enjoy the time we spend with them. I have the opportunity for extensive one-on-one time with Samuel as we homeschool together. I'm still learning, just more of it now is self-directed and relates to becoming more a part of the internet world. I continue the teaching, which I do love, on a limited basis, with a student I started working with before I started coaching, and the son of a former colleague. I LOVE the experience of watching lights go on in the minds and eyes of these teens.

This is familiar ground, and I am comfortable here. James's salary easily covers our basic living expenses and a little bit more. The tutoring money helps out, and we get a child support check (irregularly but appreciated) to help with the nice-to-haves.

That said, for someone who made it through a very rough time by planning and working for the future, and I do love looking ahead at what I can accomplish, the unknown of building a business in a new field has made planning very unpredicatable.

Reading Steve's blog I had a bright "aha!" go on. This is what I've been feeling, that "I don't know what's coming up next" feeling. And I realize that I've been "taking the corner" very slowly as a result.

Thanks for the boost, Steve!

Defining success

A part of achieving success is getting a clear picture of what the target looks like. If nothing else, it's a challenge to know if you've "arrived" unless you know your destination.

Now, I recognize that the journey is also meaningful, if not even more meaningful that the final destination. Yet, it really helps me over daily frustrations and distractions when I have a picture of where I'm heading.

Parenting is one of those areas. . .how will you know you're a successful parent? What's the outcome you're looking for? Is your goal a clean house and well-mannered (ie. quiet & obedient) children? Or are you looking farther ahead than that? James and I appreciate a quote from Dr. Phil McGraw, "You're raising future adults." That has really become a guide for us. Our objective is long-term. First, as my mother says, get us all to the day they become adults alive. Then, get them to be independent of us. We're not raising children, who will be dependent and living at home at thirty years old.

For some people, active participation in the parents' religion is of vital importance. With four faiths represented in our household, we're a little more flexible than that. Our goal is that the kids each honor the spiritual aspect of their lives, that they learn about their own faith and others, that they honor the commitments they make in their own faith community, and respect each person's right to choose a spiritual path of their own, that they live with personal integrity, and their actions around their proclaimed/chosen religion are consistent. We also tend to model general questions of a philosophical and/or moral nature. We want them to THINK, and not just follow blindly.

Thinking things through is important in other areas of their lives also. If we can look back and claim the accomplishment of having encouraged thinking adults, we will be pleased. In academics and creative endeavors, we encourage them to follow their interests, seek excellence, and explore new activities/areas of learning. I was raised with the understanding that you weren't finished with school until you had your bachelor's. Graduate study was optional, but my sister and I have both pursued Master's degrees as we raise our children. I don't find myself pushing the kids into advanced degrees. I’m not sure they’ll make the best use of an undergraduate experience right out of high school

Our eldest graduated from high school in June, and already had a year’s worth of credits at the community college. She spent the summer working a little and playing quite a bit (more than I really appreciated-guess I inherited my mother’s work ethic there!), until she decided that she wanted to make a trip to Europe this fall. In August she kicked into high gear to make that happen, often working 60+ hours a week to save money for that trip. And she did it! She ventured off to Spain, experienced the differences in culture (four marriage proposals in her first week there!), took care of herself, and realized she did miss her sibs after all. That was definitely a semester well spent. And now she’s looking at other options in life-finishing here at the community college, exploring a couple of possible careers through entry-level work experience, and juggling adult responsibilities like car payments, housing expenses, and gee-how am I going to afford to play?

Our sixteen-year-old looks like she’ll be heading of to the Czech Republic for her senior year of high school-a dream that she’s making a reality by her own action.

So that’s another aspect of parenting success, somehow instilling the belief that they are capable of achieving what matters to them by their own efforts if necessary, and with support from people who care about them and their dreams when they can generate that support.

Trusting in the basic goodness of people, and in their circle of love, is another aspect of success. Foremost within that circle I really hope they have the wonderful relationships with their siblings that I have with mine.

And this is running on. . .my key words to measure my success as a parent include: spirit, thinking, self-sufficient, trusting, courageous, responsible, creative, loving, happy and healthy. What are yours?

Aloha!

Pay attention or Parenting Advice. . .

So, last Thursday evening, as James and I were climbing into bed, we heard Samuel's quizzical voice, "How's Tori going to get the car out of the driveway?" You see, the forecast was for several inches of wintry mix, and that meant the snow plows and salt trucks would be coming down our road, so James pulled his car into the driveway behind mine. Tori was heading out to take a friend to pick up her paycheck.

Soon we heard Samuel, a little indignantly, call out, "What does she think she's doing?" Then, "NO, TORI! STOP!!!"

It seems Tori was so excited about having a cell phone again, that she hadn't noticed the other car behind the one she usually drives, in spite of facing both of them as she walked down to the driveway. And she didn't hang up from her call until she saw me standing in the doorway in my pajamas. Major oops, kiddo!

Talking to my mother, she says she's out of child-rearing theories.
From her experienced perspective, the first objective is to get them to adulthood alive. (Tori's 18, does that count?)
The second is to get to that point alive yourself. (I'm writing, so I must have accomplished this as well.)
And then, well, just hope for the best. (Lots of hoping going on!)
Okay, she did use Haim Ginott's theory of natural consequences as much as possible. (Second accident, and breaking the no-cell-phone-while-driving rule, means no more using our car.) And she talked to us along the way about what she was learning/thinking about. There were some rough times through the years, but my brothers and sister, and the folks they chosen as life partners, are some of the finest people I know. I trust and admire them, as active and contributing citizens of a wonderful world. And I really enjoy being with them! I'd call that successful parenting. So maybe tomorrow, I'll explore more of what I consider success in parenting, and in life.

Aloha!

Learning spaces

Gee, I really need to figure out how to make posting to my blog a part of my daily routine! I've had morning journaling as a routine for quite some time, and rarely miss a day. So, then I get to the computer and all my "brilliant" ideas just disappear. Some learning to do here.

So, where are you learning? Where do you need/want to learn something new? How will you benefit from the learning? Can you tell, or are you just curious to see what comes from a new adventure?

One of the things I'm going to be experimenting with is the format/direction of this blog. I'm hoping that relaxing a bit with the subjects and just "talking story" may make it easier for me to develop the habit of blogging regularly. I'll save formality for my website and articles that I choose to publish on the web. Here, we're just sitting down for a chat, so grab a chair and a cup of tea, and let's laugh together.

Aloha!

Does it work? Long-term results

I had great response to my last post, and a very busy day yesterday, and missed posting. . .

I've been thinking about those two questions, and JD's post. A new friend/reader responded that sometimes we have to wait to see what the results are. I think he was referring to business strategies, but it is definitely true in relationships!

Parenting is one of those areas.

Raising little ones I could see some connections between what I did and how they behaved. My bad days were often bad for them also. My creative days we'd spend laughing and playing and getting things done. When I was angry with them, it would reflect in how they treated each other, etc.

Now that the twins are fast approaching their thirteenth birthday (two months and 29 days yesterday-according to Miriam), and the eldest is back from a month alone in Spain, I don't get that instant feedback, but I do get to see the results of years of effort and attention. Friends and school events, or lack of sleep, affect their moods and behaviors more than my mood does these days. My effect has been more on their characters and outlook on life.

Overall, I'd have to say, I'm pretty satisfied. I love these kids, and admire the people they are becoming. And isn't that a wonderful thing to be able to say about one's teenagers?!

I started to go through each of the kids, but that was too much like a Christmas card letter, so I saved it as a draft there. Just let me know if you want to hear me brag about my kids, and I'll send it to you.

My action challenge to you:

Identify your top three long-range life projects, and do a check-in on how you're doing.
How are your results compared to a year ago? Several years ago?
What do you want to see at this time next year?
What will success look like?
Are you on track?
Can you see any shifts you want or need to make?

Live your life with love!
Aloha!
Mary