Defining success

A part of achieving success is getting a clear picture of what the target looks like. If nothing else, it's a challenge to know if you've "arrived" unless you know your destination.

Now, I recognize that the journey is also meaningful, if not even more meaningful that the final destination. Yet, it really helps me over daily frustrations and distractions when I have a picture of where I'm heading.

Parenting is one of those areas. . .how will you know you're a successful parent? What's the outcome you're looking for? Is your goal a clean house and well-mannered (ie. quiet & obedient) children? Or are you looking farther ahead than that? James and I appreciate a quote from Dr. Phil McGraw, "You're raising future adults." That has really become a guide for us. Our objective is long-term. First, as my mother says, get us all to the day they become adults alive. Then, get them to be independent of us. We're not raising children, who will be dependent and living at home at thirty years old.

For some people, active participation in the parents' religion is of vital importance. With four faiths represented in our household, we're a little more flexible than that. Our goal is that the kids each honor the spiritual aspect of their lives, that they learn about their own faith and others, that they honor the commitments they make in their own faith community, and respect each person's right to choose a spiritual path of their own, that they live with personal integrity, and their actions around their proclaimed/chosen religion are consistent. We also tend to model general questions of a philosophical and/or moral nature. We want them to THINK, and not just follow blindly.

Thinking things through is important in other areas of their lives also. If we can look back and claim the accomplishment of having encouraged thinking adults, we will be pleased. In academics and creative endeavors, we encourage them to follow their interests, seek excellence, and explore new activities/areas of learning. I was raised with the understanding that you weren't finished with school until you had your bachelor's. Graduate study was optional, but my sister and I have both pursued Master's degrees as we raise our children. I don't find myself pushing the kids into advanced degrees. I’m not sure they’ll make the best use of an undergraduate experience right out of high school

Our eldest graduated from high school in June, and already had a year’s worth of credits at the community college. She spent the summer working a little and playing quite a bit (more than I really appreciated-guess I inherited my mother’s work ethic there!), until she decided that she wanted to make a trip to Europe this fall. In August she kicked into high gear to make that happen, often working 60+ hours a week to save money for that trip. And she did it! She ventured off to Spain, experienced the differences in culture (four marriage proposals in her first week there!), took care of herself, and realized she did miss her sibs after all. That was definitely a semester well spent. And now she’s looking at other options in life-finishing here at the community college, exploring a couple of possible careers through entry-level work experience, and juggling adult responsibilities like car payments, housing expenses, and gee-how am I going to afford to play?

Our sixteen-year-old looks like she’ll be heading of to the Czech Republic for her senior year of high school-a dream that she’s making a reality by her own action.

So that’s another aspect of parenting success, somehow instilling the belief that they are capable of achieving what matters to them by their own efforts if necessary, and with support from people who care about them and their dreams when they can generate that support.

Trusting in the basic goodness of people, and in their circle of love, is another aspect of success. Foremost within that circle I really hope they have the wonderful relationships with their siblings that I have with mine.

And this is running on. . .my key words to measure my success as a parent include: spirit, thinking, self-sufficient, trusting, courageous, responsible, creative, loving, happy and healthy. What are yours?

Aloha!