Aha! This makes sense!

I've been reading Steve Pavlina's blog archives again. This time it's the meaning of life series. I did some journaling yesterday, but never made it onto the computer to post an entry. I'll get back to that in a later post. Right now I want to explore my reaction to the following:

“I experienced this when I shifted my career last year from full-time software publishing to full-time writing and speaking. Before I committed to the transition, I had only a fuzzy notion of what the new career would be like. No matter how much planning I did, it was still fuzzy — there were simply too many variables I couldn’t predict. I was out of my element. As I began to transition, almost every week I had to rethink my plans — long-term planning was impossible because I was constantly learning new things that would corrupt my old plans. I had to live one day at a time through much of it. But after a few months, I was able to get my bearings and could see the road ahead of me very clearly. Then I was able to again set long-term goals with confidence.” Steve's Blog

This also fits with the beginnings of a response to Leesa Barnes's teleconference Tuesday evening. . .(gee, I really to have some catching up to do!)

One of my needs is for security. I can blitz on effort when I'm in "survival mode", but that is very adrenalin-based, and I consider it a major contributor to the challenges I had getting over the Lyme disease I fought 2002-2003. Such effort also feels very fear-based.

I'm not knocking what I accomplished in that mode: providing most of the financial support for four children, meeting many or most of their emotional needs, keeping our household running semi-smoothly, teaching middle school full-time, and completing a major in Spanish along with a Master's degree, and getting to know myself better. . .I look back at that time now with a sense of accomplishment. But it wasn't a very balanced time of my life, and I often felt like I was working from a sense of desperation.

Life now is much more enjoyable! I share the parenting responsibilities with a wonderful man, but even more importantly, we are building our life together in joy and laughter. The kids are thriving, and we enjoy the time we spend with them. I have the opportunity for extensive one-on-one time with Samuel as we homeschool together. I'm still learning, just more of it now is self-directed and relates to becoming more a part of the internet world. I continue the teaching, which I do love, on a limited basis, with a student I started working with before I started coaching, and the son of a former colleague. I LOVE the experience of watching lights go on in the minds and eyes of these teens.

This is familiar ground, and I am comfortable here. James's salary easily covers our basic living expenses and a little bit more. The tutoring money helps out, and we get a child support check (irregularly but appreciated) to help with the nice-to-haves.

That said, for someone who made it through a very rough time by planning and working for the future, and I do love looking ahead at what I can accomplish, the unknown of building a business in a new field has made planning very unpredicatable.

Reading Steve's blog I had a bright "aha!" go on. This is what I've been feeling, that "I don't know what's coming up next" feeling. And I realize that I've been "taking the corner" very slowly as a result.

Thanks for the boost, Steve!