Parenting Teenagers-Part I

One side effect of my binge reading (checking out several books on a topic when I get curious about something) is that I end up with a big stack of books to annotate as part of my self-education notes.

The topic for the last few days has been parenting teenagers. . . a topic I picked after our winter holiday with the three younger ones together, and had renewed the books to the limit and had to take notes or turn them back in without reading. (That’s “allowed” but doesn’t happen often.) Based on the way Tori and Liza are turning out, we’re on the right track, but there’s always room for improvement, right?

As with of boundaries, I often find it’s easiest to identify what’s important to me when that expectation isn’t met. Kyle, growing up mostly in a different household, has a different background, and has provided some clear contrasts. Don’t get me wrong- he’s still a great kid, but the places he provides the most learning for me are in the areas where his behavior is different than my expectations. The other kids “conform” more closely-because the consequences are more serious if they don’t. They have to live with ME!

What have I noticed that I/we value? Where are our standards?

Academics-a minimal standard is a solid B average.

None of our kids are incapable of performing at that level. In fact, unless they’re carrying a very strenuous academic load, even a 3.0 unweighted overall GPA is not a particular challenge. It mostly a matter of work habits, although one or two of the kids are a bit more challenged by algebra than the others.

In practice, regardless of what classes they are taking, privileges such as recreational computer usage, “entertainment”, driving when they get old enough, and matching funds for significant expenditures are dependent on “privilege-level grades”. We define that standard as a mix of A’s & B’s, with one C acceptable as long as there are at least as many A’s as B’s.

We encourage the kids to take the most challenging level of a class for which they can qualify. (We don’t put a kid who struggled with Algebra I in an honors-level Algebra II class, for example.) The theory there is that the peer group is more interested in learning in the higher-level classes, and the teachers are able to spend more time teaching and less disciplining in those classes. The classes are also able to cover the material in more depth, and are thus generally more interesting.

This strategy can backfire in the college application process if the college eliminates students based on a strict unweighted GPA cut-off, and the student gets B’s in Advanced Placement-level (college credit if you do well on the exam at the end of the year) classes but would’ve reliable earned A’s in a less-challenging level. Most colleges do look at the levels selected at some point in the process. If a student avoided available honors & AP level courses, the admissions folks will ask why, and question motivation &/or ability levels.

I don’t know how much guidance I gave the big girls on their high school course selections. I know I have NO influence on Kyle’s courses. But I’ve defined some guidelines for the twins: at least four academic courses per semester, honors-level or better for most of them, at least one active (PE) and one creative (art/music/theater/maybe technology) course each year. No less than three years of one foreign language, and making it to AP-level is even better. I think the ideal would be one of each during each semester, but that would get tricky if they want to graduate early (as Liza did) or take multiple foreign languages (as Miriam plans to do).

Which brings up another interesting background expectation. . . "foreign" languages. A second language is a given, but it seems that a third is also. And to the point of being essentially fluent! Tori and Samuel have both tackled Spanish and Japanese. Liza took Spanish-albeit reluctantly at times-and is now working on Hungarian. I hear from her that she’ll be bringing the Spanish up to fluent-level once she finishes the available Hungarian courses (or maybe concurrently!). Then she’s looking at another interesting one, but hasn’t decided on which one yet. Miriam rebelled-and insisted on taking French rather than Spanish, and will be adding Russian next year.

As in my household growing up, college through a bachelor’s degree is pretty much expected. I don’t want them to shoot for a “name school” just for prestige factor. I would prefer that they find a school that really suits them, and even formal education isn’t essential, as long as they “keep learning”. The incentive for school is that we can keep them on our health insurance if they’re full-time students. If the insurance company won’t let them stay on our policy as a dependent, they’re on their own!

Social/Spiritual standards:

Hmmm. . .harder to define. . .With four religious groups represented in this household, we obviously don’t declare a household faith. (One of the challenges of sharing parenting between different households!)

We do expect:

-participate in some sort of spiritual development

-honor the standards of whatever group you claim, as a part of integrity & keeping your word

-demonstrate respect for others, and for their beliefs: curiosity is encouraged, asking thought-provoking questions is great, telling others they are wrong or “going to hell” is highly discouraged (and you’ll face challenging questions from the parents if you do!)

-show gratitude for what we have-silent thanks before meals, appreciation of tangibles, intangibles, and service others do for us

-serve to others/share resources We really appreciated the opportunities the snowstorm provided to model this one for the kids.

-take care of what you have (stewardship over things first, with increasing responsibility as they develop) and consider your impact in the world-Make the world a better place because you’re here. (This ties in with the service piece also.)

-and think things through-don’t follow ANYONE (even us) blindly

Given that I’m reaching two pages at this point, I think I’ll save communication and finances, and whatever else I can think of (orderliness???) for another post. Not to mention, I did mean to do some reading response bits! (The font is different from my normal posts because I imported it from a Word document, and can't remember what my standard font is. . . I never claimed to be a geek! But I am going to start using labels for my posts, and may get around to labeling older posts-but not this week!)

We are experiencing technical difficulties. . .

Or, "What do you mean you're having trouble completing your application? The system sends the instructions the day after you submit the first part. . ." Followed by, "I'll pass this on to ____ (my secretary/tech support/our programmers/. . .)."

So, is this challenge an indication that I'm headed in the wrong direction, or my last hurdle to prove my "worthiness" to re-enter the "hallowed halls of academia"?

I keep getting emails listing the parts of my application that are still missing. I'm resorting to the old-fashioned way and having people submit my recommendation letters on PAPER! (AAACCKK! How 20th Century!) The department already has my grad school transcript from my first Master's degree (Leadership in Teaching), and my GRE scores are on the way.

I actually had fun taking the GRE tests last week, especially when my unofficial scores came up at the end-Verbal 700, Quantitative 800!

The department chair told me they'd only be accepting stellar candidates by March. I think I qualify as stellar-if (and only if!) I can get these silly pieces past the technical blockade!

Along the lines of enjoying a mental challenge, Samuel's Valentines' present from his dad and stepmother was a new book of number puzzles. . .kakuro! For those of you who enjoy sudoku, this is another step up in difficulty. For an idea of what it's like, try this. The daily puzzles are less complex than the ones printed in Samuel's book, so we're enjoying a real challenge. (I copied several out of the book, and have worked to get ahead of him, because "racing" took some of the fun out of the game.) James chuckles at me talking my way through the logic, and I get to chuckle when Samuel does the same on his puzzle.

A belated Happy Valentines Day! & Snow report

If you've been watching the news, you'll know that Anne Arundel County is the only one in Maryland with significant loss of power due to yesterday's storm-and we were part of that "lucky" crowd. Fortunately, James had an abundant supply of firewood split, stacked and tarped in the back yard, so we were able to keep warm. It took a while to get the house warmed up after the fire went out last night (gee, Samuel, why didn't you rebuild it when you got up at 2?), but nothing like those folks who didn't have a fireplace! We have gas appliances so we still had plenty of hot water and could cook on the stove. A corded phone replaced the powerless cordless phone, to keep us in touch with the world.

It was amazing to notice how much access to the internet and wandering around with the phone have become a part of our lives. Those were actually bigger challenges than the heat. That and the twins' boredom. . .
Had it been just snow, Samuel would've been out sledding, but it was 3/4" of bumpy ice atop the two+ inches of snow, then studded with chips of ice that fell from the trees as the wind blew. Without the wind, we would probably not have lost power. Fortunately, we seem to have weathered the storm without losing many trees. Or maybe that's unfortunate, since we need to replenish our severely depleted wood pile.
Miriam's greatest hardship was going two days without her radio, even if I enjoyed the quiet! She was home with a slight fever and headache Friday, but that didn't keep her from listening to her music. She was feeling better by the time she headed over to her dad's for the weekend, but was home again on Monday and Tuesday with a stomach bug. I was definitely ready for the music to go off. And she has the choice of headphones or no music tomorrow-the third day out of school for this storm, and the last of their allotted snow days-all used in February!

I'm going to turn this computer over to James to figure out why I can't connect to any of the other computers on our network to upload pictures. I'll add pictures later.

Spring is on the way!

Even with the winter storm on its way, or maybe because I had to take advantage of the beautiful day-warmer than any we've had in the last two weeks, I think, I got three loads of laundry out on the line. In February! I'm sure some of the heavier pieces will have to finish with a few minutes in the dryer, but they smell so good after line-drying!

I was delighted to come home yesterday afternoon and find the seedlings I'd potted up on Thursday doing well. I started the seeds on damp paper towels in snack-sized plastic baggies Thursday, Feb. 1st. There weren't "supposed" to be many ready to plant before my weekend away, but I checked them last Thursday and knew I had a project to complete before I left.
I labeled and made up some 140 little newspaper pots using our new Potmaker, filled them with potting mix amended with a bit of rock dust for minerals, and ended up filling four trays with seedlings. I made sure they were all well-moistened and covered the trays with plastic wrap to keep them from drying out. James was home to keep an eye on them, but he has his own projects and this one is pretty much mine.

That said, I thought I was going to be sharing out a good bit of my experiment here, and sprouted the seeds accordingly. James says he'll have plenty of room in the beds he's been building for all of them. Even so, if there's something you want, let me know.

I don't think we really need ten cherry tomato plants (Sweet Baby Girl) and ten Brandywine plants-especially since I still have to start my Roma/paste tomato plants. (I left ordering the tomato seeds to James, since he and Samuel are the ones who devour our fresh tomatoes, and didn't confirm that he had ordered my cooking tomato seeds. Oops!) We have three kinds of basil starting: Genovese (sweet, green-a "standard" basil), Thai, and Red Rubin. I am determined to protect these little ones from the slugs that got the babies I put out to start hardening off last year! Other herbs include: dill, cumin, cilantro, epazote (to flavor black beans), chamomile (wish I had some of this fresh to make a tea for the twins today!), and pennyroyal, with parsley still in the sprouting process. We're also starting quite a few different edible flowers this year: nasturtiums are probably the most noticeable at this point-with their ruffled purple-y leaves standing tallest in the trays, but we also have calendula, marshmallow, bachelor's buttons, an edible chrysanthemum, and borage in pots. The serrano chilis and "hot salsa hybrid" peppers are in pots. Still sprouting are: green tomatillos-so we can make Becky's tomatillo salsa!, Thai eggplant, pineapple ground cherries, a rainbow mix of bell peppers, lavender bergamot, Hungarian blue poppies, and shiso (an oriental herb that flowers-if I remember correctly-but I have to pull my notes together in one place---after my GRE).

My experimental vegetable for the year is artichokes, and I'm sure I have too many of these! They are a biennial/"tender" perennial, but I've heard I may be able to trick them into flowering this year-if it stays cold long enough. (Thanks, groundhog! Weird weather.) I have roughly a dozen pots each of two varieties, and each plant needs elbow-room to the tune of 3-4 square feet each. They are an interestingly shaped plant, and we're thinking to plant a few in the front yard, but even so, I think I got carried away. Anyone else want to try growing one or more???

While I was gone, James finished the trellis frames along one side of the yard. I do so appreciate having him as my partner in life! Thirty+ feet of garden bed ready and waiting for peas and beans!!! Beans were our big success last year, so I'm hoping we can keep that going this year.

Silent Weekend

I spent the weekend on a Silent Retreat at Dayspring Retreat Center with several other women from our Quaker Meeting. I didn't know how I'd handle the mandatory silence (not talking from after dinner Friday evening until just before lunch on Sunday), but really enjoyed it.

Okay, so I wasn't absolutely silent. Walking around, enjoying the sunshine and nature sounds, I did break out into song a time or two- without thinking about it. But I stopped singing as soon as I realized I was doing it- and noticed that I like expressing my joy in song.

It was a gorgeous, if chilly, weekend to spend out in the country. The pin oaks chattered as the breeze rattled their leaves. The grasses glowed red-gold and whispered in the sunshine. I came upon a frozen pond, covered in snow, as I was out walking. The sun made a gorgeous picture of on that canvas-sparkling snow contrasted with the bold shadows of trees. And across the surface, critter tracks! I sat beside the stream, listening to the water tumbling over the rocks and splashing on the crust of ice. Air bubbles trapped below the surface looked like a shadow-box movie as they oozed along, and the ice glittered like crystal in the sunshine. Pictures don't do justice, but I'll add them in when James gets home. He uploaded them from the camera, and I can't find them on our network. . .

The highlight of walking was my close encounter with a gray fox. The breeze was blowing into my direction, so he didn't smell me, and the rustling grasses must have covered the sound of my approach. I got within thirty feet or so before he trotted another 10-15 feet down the path to investigate something he'd seen. I stood there watching for a couple of minutes before he realized I was there, stared at me for another minute, and then turned tail and ran to the end of that path before turning back to look at me. Quite an experience! I wished I'd had my camera at that point, but the sound of the motor as it extended the lens would've startled him into running anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter. That was probably the hardest thing to keep silent about the whole weekend.

I enjoyed a relatively little bit of reading (by my standards) and journaled less in the weekend than I have on many mornings. I relished the sense of peace I felt, and will be repeating the experience. I pondered the question of how to carry this feeling on in daily life, to whatever extent I can manage.

With that thought in mind, I came home to get ready to take my GRE tomorrow morning-if our winter storm holds off that long. Samuel's report card was waiting on the back of the sofa, just inside the front door, where he was sure I'd see it as soon as I walked in! (Love that boy!) It was the first thing he asked about when they got home from Pratt's. Full of energy-as usual!- it was quite unexpected when, at 10 PM, Miriam came to wake me because he was throwing up downstairs. After soaking in the tub, Samuel slept on the upstairs bathroom floor-close to the toilet, and warm next to the heater vent. Miriam was getting ready for school after morning cuddles, until she felt a chill and asked me if she had a fever. I sent her for a bucket, and sure enough, soon heard her retching. Sure comes on quick! (And I'm reminding myself that my immune system was strengthened by this weekend's peace, and I'll be fine to take my exam tomorrow. No pressure there!) I feel somewhat torn between defending myself so I can get through my exam tomorrow and taking care of my sick kids. Fortunately, they aren't requiring much. Miriam has been a lump (her radio the only disruption to the quiet day I'd had planned), and Samuel has only needed a couple of cups of chamomile tea. The apple juice he requested for a change just didn't sit right, and he went back to the tea. With their resilience, I expect they'll be back on their feet in plenty of time to enjoy our winter weather and the day or two off school it looks like they'll be getting later this week.

Kid report

Did I mention Tori has a new job? She's doing clerical work for a construction company in Baltimore. The second day she had impressed them so much that one of the managers was talking about training her for a position equivalent to his! He couldn't figure out why someone who is so bright, and cheerful, and bi-lingual, and competent, etc. would be working in that position. (Maybe because she just wants something to provide some funds until she heads out west to continue her schooling this fall? She's thinking about Arizona State at this point. Fortunately, transfer deadlines are later than new admissions.)

Liza is beginning to get the hang of Hungarian. Now she can't speak English either, but her "Hunglish" is really coming along!
Liza's looking forward to three weeks of traveling around the country at the end of March. Her current host parents will be out of the country then, and she isn't scheduled to move to her next family until April 8th. That host dad called to make sure she knew she was welcome early, but she's looking forward to gallivanting, touring, and visiting other exchangers. With the difficulties the exchange students experience learning the language, it seems that they don't have much pressure to attend school-as long as they have something else "meaningful" to do. So they make plans to visit each others' cities/towns- and that gets both the tourist and the guide out of school. Hmmm. . . I'm not sure that's what I sent her over there for, but I suppose she's learning from it anyway. If nothing else, Liza has learned that she appreciates being challenged academically, and really wants external feedback on how she's doing. When we were talking about my taking the GRE tomorrow, Liza said she wants to take a test. (Some people would think you're sick, Kid. But how's that Statistics class coming along? There's a test you could take!)

Kyle said something to James about a ski trip with Scouts during their last call, but I didn't get the details. (Feel free to post a comment here, Kyle, and let us know how it goes!) His Scout troop is really keeping him busy now that life is more than marching band. As I hear it, he's almost finished with his requirements for First Class, too.

Samuel brought home another straight-A report card. He's really working for that computer. (James, wherever did you get the idea that we should offer that challenge???) We are so proud of you, son!

Miriam made Honor Roll again. Proud of you, too, precious daughter!
Have I relayed the momentous landmark Miriam reached recently? She's as tall as Mom now. And loves to stand up tall to rush the "taller than Mom" achievement-but I'm NOT conceding that! (I know, but I'm trying to maintain the delusion a little longer!)

It's such a blessing to be able to enjoy the way my kids are growing up! (And no, Beck, I'm still NOT going to bring in a few more, much as I love yours!)

Blogger trouble

My apologies to readers who got the trouble screen this morning. Thanks, Dad, for letting me know about it. There has been some trouble with the server and the new version of Blogger, but the trouble team got right on it.

I'll update more once I know that people will actually be able to read what I write.