Parenting Teenagers-Part I

One side effect of my binge reading (checking out several books on a topic when I get curious about something) is that I end up with a big stack of books to annotate as part of my self-education notes.

The topic for the last few days has been parenting teenagers. . . a topic I picked after our winter holiday with the three younger ones together, and had renewed the books to the limit and had to take notes or turn them back in without reading. (That’s “allowed” but doesn’t happen often.) Based on the way Tori and Liza are turning out, we’re on the right track, but there’s always room for improvement, right?

As with of boundaries, I often find it’s easiest to identify what’s important to me when that expectation isn’t met. Kyle, growing up mostly in a different household, has a different background, and has provided some clear contrasts. Don’t get me wrong- he’s still a great kid, but the places he provides the most learning for me are in the areas where his behavior is different than my expectations. The other kids “conform” more closely-because the consequences are more serious if they don’t. They have to live with ME!

What have I noticed that I/we value? Where are our standards?

Academics-a minimal standard is a solid B average.

None of our kids are incapable of performing at that level. In fact, unless they’re carrying a very strenuous academic load, even a 3.0 unweighted overall GPA is not a particular challenge. It mostly a matter of work habits, although one or two of the kids are a bit more challenged by algebra than the others.

In practice, regardless of what classes they are taking, privileges such as recreational computer usage, “entertainment”, driving when they get old enough, and matching funds for significant expenditures are dependent on “privilege-level grades”. We define that standard as a mix of A’s & B’s, with one C acceptable as long as there are at least as many A’s as B’s.

We encourage the kids to take the most challenging level of a class for which they can qualify. (We don’t put a kid who struggled with Algebra I in an honors-level Algebra II class, for example.) The theory there is that the peer group is more interested in learning in the higher-level classes, and the teachers are able to spend more time teaching and less disciplining in those classes. The classes are also able to cover the material in more depth, and are thus generally more interesting.

This strategy can backfire in the college application process if the college eliminates students based on a strict unweighted GPA cut-off, and the student gets B’s in Advanced Placement-level (college credit if you do well on the exam at the end of the year) classes but would’ve reliable earned A’s in a less-challenging level. Most colleges do look at the levels selected at some point in the process. If a student avoided available honors & AP level courses, the admissions folks will ask why, and question motivation &/or ability levels.

I don’t know how much guidance I gave the big girls on their high school course selections. I know I have NO influence on Kyle’s courses. But I’ve defined some guidelines for the twins: at least four academic courses per semester, honors-level or better for most of them, at least one active (PE) and one creative (art/music/theater/maybe technology) course each year. No less than three years of one foreign language, and making it to AP-level is even better. I think the ideal would be one of each during each semester, but that would get tricky if they want to graduate early (as Liza did) or take multiple foreign languages (as Miriam plans to do).

Which brings up another interesting background expectation. . . "foreign" languages. A second language is a given, but it seems that a third is also. And to the point of being essentially fluent! Tori and Samuel have both tackled Spanish and Japanese. Liza took Spanish-albeit reluctantly at times-and is now working on Hungarian. I hear from her that she’ll be bringing the Spanish up to fluent-level once she finishes the available Hungarian courses (or maybe concurrently!). Then she’s looking at another interesting one, but hasn’t decided on which one yet. Miriam rebelled-and insisted on taking French rather than Spanish, and will be adding Russian next year.

As in my household growing up, college through a bachelor’s degree is pretty much expected. I don’t want them to shoot for a “name school” just for prestige factor. I would prefer that they find a school that really suits them, and even formal education isn’t essential, as long as they “keep learning”. The incentive for school is that we can keep them on our health insurance if they’re full-time students. If the insurance company won’t let them stay on our policy as a dependent, they’re on their own!

Social/Spiritual standards:

Hmmm. . .harder to define. . .With four religious groups represented in this household, we obviously don’t declare a household faith. (One of the challenges of sharing parenting between different households!)

We do expect:

-participate in some sort of spiritual development

-honor the standards of whatever group you claim, as a part of integrity & keeping your word

-demonstrate respect for others, and for their beliefs: curiosity is encouraged, asking thought-provoking questions is great, telling others they are wrong or “going to hell” is highly discouraged (and you’ll face challenging questions from the parents if you do!)

-show gratitude for what we have-silent thanks before meals, appreciation of tangibles, intangibles, and service others do for us

-serve to others/share resources We really appreciated the opportunities the snowstorm provided to model this one for the kids.

-take care of what you have (stewardship over things first, with increasing responsibility as they develop) and consider your impact in the world-Make the world a better place because you’re here. (This ties in with the service piece also.)

-and think things through-don’t follow ANYONE (even us) blindly

Given that I’m reaching two pages at this point, I think I’ll save communication and finances, and whatever else I can think of (orderliness???) for another post. Not to mention, I did mean to do some reading response bits! (The font is different from my normal posts because I imported it from a Word document, and can't remember what my standard font is. . . I never claimed to be a geek! But I am going to start using labels for my posts, and may get around to labeling older posts-but not this week!)