The Dark Side of Mary/more on Why Sociology?

I've had another restless night, and lots of time thinking about Kyle. I rarely post about the issues we have with our children's other parents. Part of that is because I don't like the negative tone, part because I don't want it out in the world forever. Since this has been going on for a week or so, and I'm getting ready to start a doctoral program with an interest in this post-divorce parenting stuff, I guess I should start from the beginning with an open admission that I fall far short of my ideal of cooperative co-parenting!

With my other kids, I'd think that something was going on that they needed me if they showed up in my dreams four times in a week, with enough intensity to leave me wide awake even if I don't remember what the dream was about. But I don't have that level of connection with Kyle. He's never been here for any longer than about ten days at a time, and only eight nights since school started last fall.

I think this has to do with Father's Day coming up, and our excitement about the family reunion the following week-for neither of which will Kyle be joining us. After all, he needs to spend Father's Day with his "real" father- the one who's there for him every day. (Okay, so what if James doesn't even hear about things going on, and that set of parents bristles if we find out about a concert and show up, and that's the set of parents who set 100% attendance as the standard for participation in such activities as the church ball league or Scouts-and then schedule Scouting events to conflict with his time with his birth father??? And they tell him we're "not his real family"-yes, that's a quote, along with we're going to hell so he shouldn't love us too much. They live a different view of Christianity than I do!)

After our visitors last February/March, I'm somewhat relieved not to have the threat of a spy in the house.

But I'm angry with his mother for setting up the game this way. There's no way we could stand up for time with Kyle without putting him in the middle when she scheduled birthday parties for his weekend up here, and then made it a twelve-year-old's choice- "just tell him you want to be here for ____'s party, and remind him I don't owe make-up time."

When we met as all four parents two years ago, to refine the schedule, I tried to generate a common vision for parenting Kyle, but they just wanted to hash out/fix the schedule that they didn't like. Since Kyle was already struggling with grades and work ethic at that point, I suggested home schooling as a possibility that would both give us more flexibility in the schedule as well as give Kyle an opportunity to learn how to study. That was rejected outright and vehemently. "Home schooling doesn't work! They don't learn anything!"

Oh, yeah?!? Let me tell you, I'm so tempted to photocopy Samuel's straight-A's-for-the-whole- year report card and send it to her with a comment about "home schooling doesn't work?" My son wasn't kicked out of kindergarten the first week and sent to first grade. You've used that as a marker to say your son's so smart. Then why is he going to be in the same math and Spanish classes as my son, who's two grades behind him? Could it be that Samuel learned some academic stuff as well as how to learn while he was home for school?

I won't do that, because that wouldn't accomplish anything besides feeding resentment between the boys and making her angry. But sometimes I get tired of being adult and responsible, and I want to throw a tantrum and hit out at the perceived cause of pain.

Okay, I acknowledge that it's my thoughts causing me this pain. I don't think she or Kyle have done anything new to hurt me or James. It's my silly thoughts that Kyle "should" be here with his father for Father's Day, and with us for the reunion, and remembering the past that is causing me pain.

But today, I just want to take that "superior" place, and claim to be a better mother because I don't make my kids choose between me and their dad, and I do support his relationship with them-even if it doesn't feel like it to him. I think the kids (my birth ones) are better off because I do encourage and support them loving their dad, stepmother, and little sisters. They have more people to love and love them. Yes, at times it's more complicated for me to continue to try to negotiate & coordinate with the other household. And yes, they do still catch a bit of flak when we don't get things worked out smoothly. But they know that I want them to have a real relationship with him, and I expect them to be a part of both households. And even parents who are still together don't always agree.

I wish "She" were comfortable with the idea that Kyle could love us without loving her less. (I use the pronoun rather than her name to protect her privacy. Few people who might ever read this will connect her with my version of the story if I leave that out. I am specifically trying not to de-personalize her even though I'm feeling angry and hurt right now.) That's the only way I can make sense out of her attempts to keep James out of Kyle's life. They had such a good relationship when I first met them. I can only think that, after her apparent attempts to replace James with her second husband as Kyle's "dad", she felt like I threatened her position as Kyle's mom. Not gonna happen (even if I had wanted to do it, which I most certainly did NOT)!

Divorce sucks! It's a bum deal for everyone-kids, custodial parents, non-custodial parents and step-parents/sibs/etc. And yet, I still think we're better off than we would have been had I stayed in the marriage that wasn't working. Choose your partner wisely and carefully, and wait until after you've got a pretty good idea of who you are as a person, kids!